You know that feeling like you forgot something, and you aren’t quite sure what it was. There I was riding in the car with my family, on the way to my son’s football practice, and I asked my husband what the date was. He was puzzled, as was I. I glanced down on my phone and saw, 8/27/2014. Suddenly it happened…. tonight, something hit me, like a ton of bricks.
It happened, it really happened? I missed my Dad’s Death Anniversary? How could I have forgotten the date? How could I have let this day slip by without even acknowledging it happened. Why didn’t I remember? Was I so wrapped up in everything else going on, I could have accidentally missed it. Did I miss a sign? Does he know I forgot? How come no one else remembered. I swore this would never happen. It did, and I have mixed emotions. Sad, and Angry that it passed without me remembering. I was/am the responsible one. He trusted me…he counted on me.
On the other hand, I felt semi relieved that I did not crawl in a hole on this day. Not that I usually do, but usually I have a quiet cry, and focus on doing things in his honor on this day. Maybe I have moved on. Maybe I am finally done mourning? NO! I don’t want to be done with mourning the loss of a significant figure in my life. I refuse to wipe out the sadness and bad memories of watching him peacefully take his last breath in that hospital room. Watching his body quickly turn from a 54 year old to an 80 some year old man.
Life goes on. I know. It gets better with time. Maybe it does. But, what I do know is Last Saturday, August 23rd, 2o14 was the first time in 6 years, I missed this date. I was busy with my duties as a Mom and wife, cleaning house, a football game for my son, and running Back to School Errands. Mom Land, my normalcy. I went on with my day as planned and didn’t once think about the significance of this day.
No phone call from my Mom, Twin Sister or my Younger Brother on that day, either. They must have forgotten as well. In their defense, I am not sure. I made a promise to my Dad that I would continue to continue to carry on his legacy, and make sure no one would ever forget him.
Last Saturday, I did. I forgot. This was a day, that I remember like it was yesterday. I can tell you what clothes I was wearing. What the hospital room smelled and looked like, the noise and silence, and everything about that day. Those little details are what gives me strength. That moment was the last time I saw my Dad alive. Full of life, he was not, but he was still with me.
The ironic part of this whole story is, today, 8/27/2008 was his funeral and memorial service. Still not sure quite to make of this. I’m shocked and sad that I could have forgotten such a day.
If you care to read more about the full story behind my Dad Death, you can read about the blog I started when he was in the hospital, if you care too.
For now, back to reality, Mom Land. My normalcy.